"People don't keep journals for themselves. They keep it for other people, like a secret they don't want to tell but they want everyone to know. The only safe place for your thoughts is your memory, which people can't take and read when your not looking--at least not yet."

Older entries: August 14, 2002-August 20, 2002.

This would be the week that I was getting drunk all the time because Gabe was mad at me for talking shit to him.. when I was drunk. Even before that I sank into somewhat of a depression because I didn't have a job and I didn't know what I was gonna do. I started taking diet pills because I got all wacked out on my body image, and not telling anybody about made me feel more like a freak. So yes, this is when I started drinking a lot. But don't worry, I don't drink till I puke anymore. Yay me.


Older than that entries

August 20, 2002

         Gabe and I met up with his friend Ryan and, goddamit, I put more money into getting wasted. Before we met up with him I grabbed a bottle of Seagrams and some 7-Up for Gabe, some Sprite for Ryan (which I thought was to mix with alcohol but it could just be that he didn't have anything to drink, dammit) a twelve pack of Henry Whinehardts (sp?) for me and a fucking frozen pizza because I was pre-meditating the munchies. I was only pissed cuz I had to carry all that shit back out by myself. We got there and watched CKY3 on DVD which struck me as kind of funny cuz I only have CKY2K and that's on a shitty ass quality tape. CKY3 was still pretty funny though. There's more nonsensical crap on there that has more of nothing to do with anything you've ever seen before, and that just makes it strangely entertaining.
         I think it was even funnier just watching Ryan go up to his cabinet and reach for some cookies and crap and walk back to the couch after shuffling a bunch of bags and wrappers around. Maybe it reminded me of the stoned dog in Half Baked. Cuz right after that Gabe just kind of looked at him and mumbled, "Munnnnchiiiies..." Ryan was eating these things that were little fruit-filled cereal bars, and he was like, "They're kind of like Nutrigrain bars so they're good for you." Meanwhile I'm befuddled with why everyone thinks NutriGrain bars are healthy when they couldn't have less nutritional value. All the sugar and processed preservative crap fruit, molded into the shape they come in.. how do they fool people so easily into thinking that's better than a bowl of cereal? I think it's the name. Just something I was dwelling on.
         Ryan's other friend Lucky came over with his girlfriend and Ryan's co-worker Jessica came over with her boyfriend Halsy, who I met at the bonfire last week and kept asking KMFDM questions to because I was drunk and he was wearing a KMFDM shirt. Tara used to like KMFDM and I forgot about that band, like what the German phrase was behind the acronym and what it meant in English. He reminded me, and it made me think back to my anti days. It's weird. That night he was dressed kinda gothy but tonight he was wearing.. a canary yellow plaid shirt?!? I bet that's why I was quizzing him about industrial music.. It's been a long time since I talked to any goth kids. I wanted to uh, check in on the gothic state of the union. After those kids started playing Risk, Gabe and I got a bit bored, and I felt like hanging out with Joe instead of being there, but it was too late. So uh, we went home. I never know how to end these journal entries.

August 19, 2002

         Oh, here’s some news. I got a job. A couple days ago I met the owner of a salon and beauty supply store and told him I wanted to work for him. Gabe and I were having coffee a couple stores down when I just decided to go in there and ask. After I turned in my application and talked to him for a little bit about the job, he told me I already had most of his favor over the two other applicants. He also noticed that I didn’t have any tattoos or piercings. So he called one of my references this morning, which was Gabe, and Gabe told him all this shmit that probably convinced him to hire me, cuz I’m gonna start training on Friday.
         Since Gabe couldn’t wake up to go to work today, he picked me up and we went to look for Joe, who was out skating with Gary. We found them in the UC High parking lot, and after Gary smashed his board up and it was getting close to 5, we got some food and went back to Joe Momma’s house. I picked up some Corona’s for me and Gabe and bought some wine and cigarettes for Joe. He hasn’t been able to have the carbonation in beer since he had his teeth pulled out, so I’ve been getting him some lame fruity wine for him to sip on. I also brought some more of the ramen noodles he liked and we watched Scary Movie. We smoked weed and played Dominoes again and I actually won for once. Gabe and I shared the Coronas we had and got pretty tired by the end of the night. It was actually pretty early when we left, about 12:00 or so. I couldn’t tell if I was feeling out of it from the beer or the weed, but I sure smoke too many cigarettes.

August 18,2002

         Today Alexis left to go to Florida for a week or something, so me and Gabe went to keep Joe some company at his mom’s house. We brought over the leftover 12 pack from last night and Rachel also came over, so we smoked and played Dominoes (Gabe and Joe taught me how to just last night). And then I got Joe to watch Stranglemania! I don’t think he would have wanted to unless he was high, so he caught some of the jokes every now and then. I wanna say Stranglemania is only something you can watch when you’re sober enough to hear what ICP is saying, but when you’re drinking or high, it’s actually pretty funny too. Maybe cuz I’ve seen it ten billion times.
         I’m still on those diet pills that make me want to drink, so I had more alcohol tonight than I could comprehend. I can’t remember exactly how many I had, but the number wasn’t a good thing being as bologna as I was. I felt really shitty and wanted more than anything for it to not make me throw up. Gabe was drunk and laughed at me while I whined on the couch about how uncomfortable I was. It was actually pretty funny. I said, “Gaaaabe.. I’m faaaaded..” He was like, “Yeah?” And I said, “... It huuuuurrrts.” I said that when my head was spinning so badly that it was yanking me in and out of consciousness. I felt like something was yanking on my brain though, and it hurt! I suffered for a few minutes on the couch until Gabe offered to help me up, and then I finally mustered the strength to go to the worship room and pray to the porcelain god. Then I went and passed out on the bed in Joe Momma’s guest room.

August 16, 2002

         Wow, jesus. I drank last night till the whole day was a blur. Earlier I’d tried to find one of the boys to go the beach with me but they were all working. So I gave ol’ Gentry a buzz, who was at the beach. I told him I was feeling a little depressed and that I wish I were there, and he said, “Want me to come get you?” which I found elating. Hanging out with Kings and Tom, usually you need a reason to hang out, a destination, somewhere to drink. But all Gentry needed to know was that I was a little down, and he came right out to cheer me up. I actually told him I felt like going to a bar, which I never do but probably did today cuz I felt like being a big lush and drinking my problems away, and he said it was Drum & Bass night at Tomfoolery’s in Point Loma. After he picked me up, his father called him on his cell, and we decided to visit Gentry’s dad. His father is really ill and has only a few weeks to live. His dad was a little uncomfortable at first with the idea that Gentry was bringing me over too, but after we got to know each other, he was glad we came over and told Gentry while I was in the bathroom, “She’s a pretty girl. Why don’t you swoop her up?” He’s a really sweet guy. I wish I’d met him a lot earlier.
         On the way there I had explained to Gentry the whole reason Gabe wasn’t talking to me and the other reasons why I felt so goddamn sad. Up until he got a job, Gentry was going through pretty much the same thing I was. Everything I told him about being more resentful towards people and not having the self-esteem I used to, he understood. We were finishing each other’s sentences. Anyway, it really helped having Gentry to talk to. Back at his house we made plans to meet up with “Fat” Pat, and I downed a couple shots of Jagermeister before we left the house.
         I guess this was really the first bar I’d ever been to since I turned 21, and thank god it wasn’t as wack as I’ve always made it out to be. It was Drum & Bass anyway so a few of the people there were junglists, and others were my age and have probably been to their share of parties. I ran into my friend Dustin there, who met me through Kelly about three years ago. We only see each other every now and then because we go to the same shows and parties, and there he was at this bar. A couple other guys introduced themselves and I was actually pretty friendly towards them because Pat had smoked us out earlier and I was now pretty happy. I stayed nearby Gentry and just talked to the people that talked to me. What a pain in the ass it was to hear over that music. I got semi-giddy watching the people that were dancing, because I thought they were very good, until Gentry would point out something strange about them that would change my mind. All I know is that when I see someone dancing or doing liquid on the floor as confidently as Gabe does, I get all squishy and very giddy. I always thought I could dance until I met Gabe. Now it’s just something that people can do to impress me.
         We stayed until 2:00 and it was too late for Gentry to take me home. Since he had to work at 7:30 that morning I just stayed at his house and called my brother to pick me up. I forgot to mention that Gabe called me and we talked all that shit out while I was getting ready for Gentry to pick me up. We sort of resolved things and Gabe forgave me, but when I said that maybe we could meet up after I hung out with Gentry, Gabe still didn’t want to see me. Gentry simply explained that by saying, “Gabe's a guy, dude.” That’s the only excuse a guy needs.

August 15, 2002 Day two of the lovers spat

         Around 1:30 this afternoon I started contemplating turning my phone on, and then realized that for every twenty thousand times I’ve hoped to talk to Gabe, he’s probably only considered calling me up. So I’m gonna have to be a little bit tougher. I’m actually going to keep my phone off for two main reasons: 1) I hate having to explain my fucked up behavior. I don’t even know. Because I don’t want to take the lame way out and blame it on the beer. 2) If he wants to play the silent treatment game, I’ll play too and make it easier for him. And maybe there’s a third reason, which is if he does end up calling me today, he’ll just get my stupid voicemail. That’s what he gets for having me begging and pleading yesterday. What a fool I was. I’m very cockwhipped.
         Perhaps our friends would assume that because Gabe is such an easygoing guy that he’s pussywhipped by me. Todd told me I was whipped because he never sees me anymore. (Meanwhile he’s living in a different city?!) Jon told me yesterday that when we were going out, I wore the pants. But I never considered that to be true at all. Maybe it was because I used to yell at him all the time, and beat him up, and the rest of the time, buy him nice things. Heh. Schizo. I don’t know if i wear the pants in my relationship with Gabe. It would depend on how you viewed it. I used to make enough money to give him an allowance. I’d pay our whole phone bill, buy him whatever he wanted, buy him things he didn’t need, handle his finanaces.. I was his freaking mother. Now that I don’t have a job or any money, I’m only hoping that he won’t start to see me as the loser I really am. That’s how I’m cockwhipped. I could only see how he’d be pussywhipped by how he picks me up and drive us wherever we go, and he never complains. He doesn’t always have to take me out with him when we see people, but he does. He never complains about having me around all the time, even when there’s nothing to do. Gabe is a very strong person. He’s only a junkie for sex, music, cigarettes and weed. Ummm, and porn. Every guy needs porn.
         My current mental state is a cross between “woe is me” and “don’t be a pussy.” Aside from being jobless, unscholarly and a closeted [fill in the blank], I feel loveless. Fuck Destiny’s Child with their stupid “Survivor” song. Every girl is weak and needs a man in her life unless she’s got a 12 inch dode and a copius supply of Astroglide or a lesbian/feminist with hair under her arms. Even the most innocent Christian sheep girl needs a man to be validated—what’s his name? Jesus? *snicker* Yeah, girls are suckers. I’m totally a tough cookie wanna-be. As much as I’m trying to get through this “fight” me and Gabe are having, I hover over my phone hoping he will call me as if I were Anna Nicole Smith eyeing a package of Ring Dings. “Shuh-pie...”

August 14, 2002 Ze day after ze carnage

         I always seem to write the most interesting journals when I’m all depressed and in the bowels of apathy so I thought I’d crank some stuff out while I’m up. It’s 4:50 in the morning and I can’t sleep a goddamn wink. I had to masturbate a couple times in an attempt to think happy thoughts. I can’t even remember what I jacked off to. What’s funny is that the “most interesting” journals in my eyes are the ones that couldn’t be more mundane and trivial and lame. I’m in a strange situation nowadays. I’m living out episodes of 90210. It’s not even that I spent all of yesterday groveling and at Gabe’s mercy because I got really drunk the night before and said some things to him that weren’t very nice. I do that sometimes, it sucks. But this stupid website is like the goddamn confessional room in a Real World loft. I can be honest and spill my guts but at the same time there’s a certain degree of phoniness and over-production. This is a website for chrissakes. I talked to Jon today for a while because I was feeling so bad. Jon knows this website is the work of my total alter-ego. It’s my attempt at convincing people that I’ve got my shit together, but really I’m a mess. That’s only part of my problem right now.
         There are some things I’m willing to post here that Gabe doesn’t even know and he’s my goddamn best friend. I’ll have to tell him eventually what the hell is keeping me up at this hour because he checks this page every now and then. All I’m saying is that uh, I’ve got the same problem that the blond chick on 90210 had for a while that was so pathetic. It was really funny. I’m as sad as that Kelly chick on that show, with her stupid closeted behavior. The only people that go to this website though are my friends who are guys that wouldn’t have the slightest clue what the fuck I was talking about because they didn’t watch 90210. And neither did I for that matter, but I did know the plot of one episode that I’m sadly now able to relate to.
         I’ll tell Gabe what the deal is with me once he starts speaking to me again. I’ve already decided he shouldn’t talk to me for a couple more days, as much as it sucked not hearing from him today. My self-loathing drove me to the point of sending him text messages on his phone, apologizing and groveling like a little bitch. And I’m thinking it wouldn’t hurt not to talk to him tomorrow either, cuz quite frankly I know how much I pissed him off, I’m tired of thinking about how I’m going to explain myself, and I’m an incredibly embarrassing case. I’ve always thought it was a good thing to give people time to miss you. It’s kind of weird, but because I’ve put myself in this whole situation before, I’ve already acquired a detachment that accompanies the belief that someone is going to break up with you. I’m not saying I think Gabe really will, but it’s just a coping mechanism of mine. I don’t want to beg or plead for his forgiveness anymore, that got tired real quick. When I called him at work and tried to muster an apology, he was too busy to listen to me yammering away and hung up on me. That only got me hating myself even more, which is what I would have gotten around to anyway, so he actually kind of sped up the whole process. For this reason I’m not blaming him for being, well, a guy about this whole thing.

         So yeah. Things are wack. It’s kind of strange that I really think I’m becoming depressed. Lots of things have changed in my life these last couple months that are totally making me less happy and obviously affecting my attitude towards other people. It’s been so long that I’ve been so sad that I could relate to the lyrics of every goddamn song I listened to today. Except maybe “Born on the Bayou” by Creedence Clearwater Revival. When I’m feeling this down I actually have a tendency to choose songs to listen to that will make me sadder. I spent the whole day by myself in this house with nothing to do on top of being riddled with guilt. I cleaned my room, for chrissake. I never do that. Vaccumming was great fun. I have a room the size of a shoebox but I racked up the electricity bill by vaccumming that son of a bitch for about five hours. Then I exercised on this generic NordicTrack we have till I damn near keeled over because I’ve got this horribly distorted body image that would even make an anorexic model jealous. Anyone ever seen that episode of Full House where DJ passed out on the treadmill because she was a fat ass? I know, I know. I’ve resorted to validating myself through bad family-oriented sitcoms of the 90’s. Watching the news would be more enlightening then if I were to go on. How ‘bout I just come back when there’s something happy to write about.

See ya in a few months... WHIMPER WHIMPER WHINE WHINE!!!

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