Had another appointment today since these doctors keep hitting me with check-ups left and right. Now it could be pelvic inflammatory something. I think my cat had that.
       So I was trying to masturbate in the shower thinking about having a hot gynecologist fingering me but I couldn't get off until I imagined Jon in that lab coat he wore on Halloween banging me on the corner of the table with his hand over my mouth. Healthy. Who masturbates thinking about their own boyfriend/girlfriend.
       I went from the appointment to Mesa to visit all my friends. Luckily everyone was there today, except Gentry and Sean. Patty O' Brian waltzed up to me on the bench with a big ol' grin on his face. I missed him. I met a couple of friends of his, Gabe and Shay. Gabe reminded me of Bam Margera, the pro-skater who makes the CKY videos. I'm going through quite an infatuous phase right now with him, it's pretty sick. I used to watch CKY2K and just laugh at the skits and watch the skating, but I didn't pay attention to who Bam Margera was until I actually read the credits and payed more attention to the captions. He's that skater I like with the fluffy hair. And seeing as how often I watch that video since I don't have cable in my room, I like him even more for putting CKY2K together.
       Jon called me tonight after about a week of thinking about breaking up with me. We settled scores and we're okay but the way we were talking to each other was bullshit and I really hated it. I hate when we're so serious, I felt like I was talking to my brother. All I wanted was for things to go back to the way they were, because I'm too weak and too sad to deal with someone I love being angry at me. I don't care if it's anyone else, just not Jon.

January 30, 2001

Saw Gabe and hung out with him this morning. Told him I was going to call him "Bam" from now on. Make him an accessory to my obsession with a pro-skater that I could never have? Why not. After school I went home with Jon and got drunk. Sheesus. We watched the movie "Groove" about ravers in San Francisco. I went outside to sit by the fire and kept drinking, when Brandy had some guys over. Ugh. I was so idiotic and rude. I was trying to be Howard Stern so I started interviewing them about shit I was curious about. One of the guys sitting there was in his late forties I guess, Dan, and I asked him what it was like to be married and be a father, and if he ever got sick of banging his wife. I asked him if the day his kid was born was honestly the best day of his life. Then he told me he had three step-daughters, and I asked him if he was ever attracted to them, if they were hot. He calmly answered that he was simply very protective of them. I looked over to Brandy's friend Duke, standing to my right, and he was giving me the look of a thousand deaths. He had this look on his face and I could just tell he hated me so much. In between my drunkeness, I was conscious enough to know what people are thinking, and Duke was definitely annoyed with me.

February 1, 2001

After school today I hung out with Bam and Brian and waited for Jon to show up. He never did, so me and Bri ate some lunch at the beach. I went home where Jon was working on the house, and I attacked him with kisses. I was distracted all day and all I wanted was to see my boyfriend. Things have changed a bit with him since last week, but I don't mind. Maybe I'm acquiring a comfortable distance from him as I let him take care of more important shit. That's okay. He can still kiss me and I'm pretty sure I don't annoy him. I'm better off at a safe distance anyway.
       Earlier today Bam said he was going to this party at the Epicentre, and I didn't think about going until I watched "Groove" again at Jon's house. Later that night I saw Amber who said she was going to go. So I decided to go. I decided to go to a rave.
       Well, I'm not a raver. I don't have a fraction of "raver" in me. I'll be anything else. Just don't tell me how to dance, don't tell me I need sneakers and baggy pants, just... give me the ecstacy. I danced and got into the music when we first got there, which is what I thought it was supposed to be all about. But I can't do that when there are people staring at me, like I don't belong, looking at what I'm wearing, having Bam and Amber show me how to dance. I didn't like it. So I got frustrated and sat out. I stood next to the wall for the rest of the night while my friends impressed me with their moves and I moped. Bam was one of the best dancers out there, I was super impressed. I saw some chick out there stop and bow to him. Amber was real cute too, I was thinking Bam should be hooking up with her, and not hanging out with a wallflower like me. What was I thinking. I just put my sweatshirt on, pulled the hood over my head and looked at them from the couch. It was my first time at a real rave and I was sober, but I still don't know if I could do it again. I smoked more than a pack of cigarettes today. I wanted to be out of my mind, really. I told Bam it wasn't my thing, that it only made me want to embrace my childishly anti-happy, non-raver darkee side and come to school gothed out up the ass. I said "I'm used to concerts and screaming and pushing people around," and he told me something like, "You just need to be rolling."
       I didn't mind the music, in fact as I write this I'm downloading the last song Amber and I heard as we left, "Sandstorm." I just felt like I had to be someone I wasn't, just to be able to have fun, and I'm not about to change myself for anything. Amber had said she wanted to lend me some fat pants and matching sneakers and fucking glittery makeup crap. I told her she could do that next Halloween. She was saying, "You should hang out with [Bam] more often, he can turn you into a raver." And frankly, I thought that was the stupidest goddamn thing I'd ever heard in my life.

February 2, 2001

Went and had coffee with Bammer for a couple of hours today, kind of a hassling ordeal since I found out he called me four hours after he actually left the message. We mashed over to Starbucks, got coffee and talked about everything, and he flew away to see "Valentine" with Sarah and company. I thought he was all about techno, but he likes ICP and Marilyn Manson too. NICE. I gave him my Scoody-Doo green flashlight pen, that raverrific SOB. I'm making it a point to goth myself out everytime I see him so that none of that bullshit rubs off on me. I'm very afraid of that.

February 3, 2001

I sat at home idly all day and didn't talk to anyone until 10 tonight when Bam gave me a buzz and asked me if I wanted to hang out for a little while. We got more coffee, but this time he had to pick up his best friend Sarah and her friends from their ASB Ball (pronounced "ass-ball"). His friends are still in high school. I went with him downtown, and they did seem very high school-ish. Just a jolly crowd of cute kids. They've done a lot of drugs though from what I've heard. I learned Bam is a fucking drug machine, a lot worse than I thought. Sarah, his best friend that he hangs out with every hour of every day, wasn't as cordial as I was hoping.. she didn't acknowledge me that much. I just expected with how close they are she'd say something else but just "hi." Maybe Bam hasn't really mentioned much to her about me, but I've heard enough about her to have her figured out. Maybe it's that she simply didn't strike me as having much of an attention span. (If you're reading this Bam, sorry.) Well, she's a cheerleader. A girly-girl who loves pink. And if that didn't explain enough, I asked Bam if she was the type that had all that shit with the word "Princess" on it, and I was right. "Princess" and "Angel." And he's worrying about what to get her for Valentines! Chickie stores are manufactoring millions of dollars worth of that cutesy shit by the minute. He should get her a thong that says "Butt Floss" on it. That's really cute.