Zach Simon called me for those Marilyn Manson posters I grabbed from Lou's Records today. I told him to be at the Starbucks where I was meeting the guys for coffee at 5:00. That was odd. I forgot what a slow-simmering bore he is. Kings, Daman, Geoff and Josh were there when I arrived and found Zach inside. Zach told me he was hoping those weren't the guys I was there with, and Josh later expressed his indifference with Zach after he was gone. I explained to Josh that it was the first time I'd seen Zach in about three years, that he was "one of the goth kids I hung out with in high school." But for Daman and Geoff, however loud they talked and laughed about tits and ass and hairy nipples, I was never compelled to make excuses for any of them. I thought they were funny even though Zach sat there looking at them like he would indignantly look down on any jock or Christian or Homecoming homophobe in high school. I knew he was going to go home thinking that sitting at that table with me and those four guys was the lowlight of his day, dwelling even more how much he hates jocks, writing a miserable poem or sarcastic journal entry about his horrible reunion with long-lost Gypsy girl. I don't care. I'd forgotten what a dork he was and he's probably mourning the loss of one of his gothic comrades to the opposing army of homophobic, beer-drinking, weed-smoking "jocks". There's no doubt we left Starbucks hating each other just as much as we did in high school. We haven't changed a bit.

After we ate dinner at Filipi's, we headed for Nick's house. Daman had told Josh a long time ago that I had a good voice, so Josh and I sat in the backyard, smoking and singing songs. As we both snapped, I did LPN's "He's Still a Mystery to Me" for him and Nick later on. I even sang the swing version of Metallica's "Enter Sandman" by The New Morty Show since we were trying to swing other rock songs. After Josh hit his Ten High flask a little bit more, we sat and talked about how long we've been friends, and reminisced about how I'd walk to his old house and hang out while he and Robby played Monopoly. It feels like that was when we were all little kids. And then Josh got all heavy and kind of sincere and told me he wanted me to hang out with him as much as I see Ryan and Anthony. He said he thinks there's something about me that I don't tell anyone, that I have secrets and he's always thought I was a little weird. Mysterious.

February 10, 2001

Nitrous night for Bam and his friends. I did not partake. We all had some beer and scotch and a nice buzz. Talking shit about.. Popeye cartoons. That skank Olive Oil and their retarded baby. I was holding Bam like he was about to die in my arms. I think he does a lot of.. passing out. I also forgot it was Todd's birthday last night. ICP is playing at Canes this Saturday. Very busy week coming up. Wrote Jon an e-mail about how I missed him and got kind of teary-eyed, UGH. I've also acquired this annoying ass habit of making the little devil signs with my hand whenever I think something is cool. But I do it backwards, so that my palm is facing me. Where the hell did I get that from, I'm so goddamn retarded. Bleh.. been going out a lot this week but too lazy to write the journal entries for them. Probably going to hang out with Bam again tomorrow.

February 12, 2001 Dug up the ancient pair of "yo, yo yo wassup" jeans that I wore in ninth grade. Curiosity killed the cat. I put them on and never laughed so hard in my life. No wonder I didn't get any guys in high school. I looked like denim body bag with feet. They're actually kind of cool, and okay Bam, they are fun to dance in. Speaking of whom, I think I'll wear them one day to match ol' Raverrific. Glowsticks anyone? They don't have loops but I could store hundreds of glowsticks and lollipops and vats of fucking VapoRub up in my ass in those pants like a chipmunk with nuts in its mouth. I could even have sweaty loopy nutsacs in these pants and no one would ever be able to tell! These are wonderful. <------------1996: Hammer-time .... 2000: rockin' the skinny flares--------->

February 13, 2001 Gypsy the Romantic...

Today was my Valentines Day with Jon since he has to work tomorrow. I worked my way into his weekly schedule for the first time in a long couple of weeks. It was kind of our last date together, seeing as how the state of our relationship has declined to the status of one that is long-distance. I never see him, I never talk to him, I just know he's there and that somehow I'm his girlfriend. To date other people is my only option, although I'm not looking to replace him. Meanwhile he has no other choice to focus on school and work and disregard me as any kind of priority. Awfully sad. He expressed consent with my seeing other guys. I was reminded tonight that I still love Jon and how it could never be a mistake how truly I love him. I could simply look at him and start crying. I told him he was still my baby and that I wasn't mad that we couldn't see each other anymore. Not mad at him at least. I just wish it were different. Like the way it used to be when we were close. I can't have him and it kills me, it kills the romantic side of me, but all the while feeds it, because I never know how much I love someone until I'm crying over them. I never feel inspired until I feel heartbreak, and it breaks my heart that tonight was the last time I'd be able to be with him. We "love" each other. It could be a lot worse. I could be resentful and he could hate me. In fact that might be easier.

        I have tears running down my face as I write this. Goddamit. So tonight we saw the movie Hannibal. Not a bad movie, thank god, the one time I suggest that we go. Then we had dinner in P.B. at the China Inn, arriving five minutes before the place was closing so we were the only couple there in the whole place. He looked so handsome. I don't think this is over yet. Not with the night that we had. We're gonna be together again. And yes, that is me being optimistic.
        So after stuffing ourselves with Chinese food, we came home and Jon passed out around 11:30. I went outside to have a cigarette, in the rain, under an umbrella. I knew that if I went back to lay down with him I'd never want to leave, so I took off a piece of scratch paper and left this note on his fridge:

Stood out under the sky as it wept
Trying to think of a way to say goodbye as you slept
Thought the more silent my departure, the better
Than to hold you and cry and make everything
wetter.

Thank you Jon, I love you. Your girlfriend, Michelle.

I'm so fuckin nerdy.

February 14, 2001

I just had a lovely chat session with an annoying idiotic twit of a moron gaylover on Napster. I think I upset him because he said he was a nice guy and I said, "Nice guys finish last." So he got all heavy on me and challenged me with "Why are you cutting us down? You want this world to be ruled by ignorant, seterotypical men?" Blah blah blah... "You're segregating the sexes!" Blah blah blah... I was thinking, No shit buddy, men and women are segregated by nature. Actually I might have ruffled him up a bit more by adding "'Nice guys are inherently women.'" I felt like I was in church the way he was preaching his pompous "make the world a better place" ramblings. I can't help but express that at this moment. When I first told him I was a female (our username is my dad's name) he said I was "probably some gay guy acting out his frustrations by pretending to be female because he can't get guys in real life" or some bullshit. That I kind of respected, seeing as how there isn't enough skepticism on the internet. But his views of society and the world and people were sadly idealistic. And he told me my mindset was in trouble. Then he pulled out some random quote he probably happened to remember from a calendar or a greeting card or something and tried to integrate it into his argument, I guess to sound really smart. I was like Oy vey. I tried to calm him down by asking him when he last got laid and if he's like a puppy dog when he has sex. Eventually he got so pissed of at me not wanting to entertain his musings that he just went nuts and ended the conversation. So before putting him on my Ignore list, I stuck one last line in. "Happy Valentines Day. Faggot." Hey now. I always have to have the last word.
        Meanwhile I'll be seeing Jon at school tomorrow, yay. I left my Gypsy Box at his house last night, with my money and medication inside, but somehow I managed to have the essentials in my coat pockets--cell phone and cigarettes. After realizing my strongly remaining feelings for him yesterday, I'll be valuing the short amount of time we'll have together tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure Patty O' Brian will find me sitting with Jon more of a familiar sight than me and Bam. I love it, I feel like I'm in high school again. When a brief five-minute passing period with your crush is the highlight of the whole day...Jon is still my crush. On the other hand, I guess I can say that with some of the red tape cleared, I anticipate spending more time with Bam, who's been my counter-loneliness company for the last couple weeks. We might be going to Canes tomorrow night. Friday night is Big Time Operator's CD release party, and I'm on the guest list. Tom will also be home from the Air Force that night. Saturday I'll hopefully be at the Insane Clown Posse show with Kings and Bam. Good. A Valentines Day date with Jon has got him on my brain again... I need a lot of distraction for the rest of the week and all of this sounds like it will do.
        Hee hee. I just finished reading some of my old journal entries from over the summer. I'm funny. I like me. I was so much more interesting back then, when I was a failing wet t-shirt contestant and vomiting drunk. So much more interesting.

February 15, 2001"Fuckin' show 'em!"

Bam and I went to Canes. But there were so many Asian people there it could have been the Phillipines, I dunno. We saw Aaron and that jackass Jordan there. "Let's go soak a 40! Let's go to my pad and start soaking!" He's always talking about soaking this, smoking that. Annoying bitch. I'll let him soak up my fist. Huhuh.
        I got some dance club retribution tonight for the time we went to that rave and I just sat out. This time I was on the floor shaking my ass, and Bam stood against the wall, kind of sulking like a pigeon. He can dance to house, trance, jungle... anything but hip-hop. But hip-hop is all they played tonight, with a little bit of horrible--uh, something I can't even describe. Noise. Aaron and Jordan were high and drunk and pretending like they knew how to dance. I went and danced with Aaron, as difficult as that was. He said some girls behind me were staring at me.. probably my ass. Ha. While we were out there, some fat chick that couldn't dance for shit started freaking Bam as he stood back against a rail. He was looking at her like, What the fuck is this. He was telling her, "I can't dance to this kind of music," and she said, "It doesn't matter!" and kept freaking him. So he told her again. At the time I didn't know they were exchanging any words at all, I just saw this huge scary broad rubbing her ass all on Bam's crotch like a goddamn bear scratching its back on a tree. As soon as she left I stopped dancing to come back to him and all I could say was, "I'm really sorry about that." Then I made sure to stand there with my arm around him so that Smokey the booty-shaking Bear wouldn't return to attack.
        Meanwhile, Aaron, Jordan and David who was also there were trying to put Bam out on the dance floor after seeing how he could move when we were upstairs. First thing I told him when we got in was that he should get up on the stage and show everyone what he's got. There were a couple groups of Asian dudes that were doing their thing and having people circle around them. Another group of breakers did their thing. Everyone was talking about battling everyone else and Bam got a little gun-shy. I don't think he wanted to "battle" anyone. He probably just wanted to dance, if they could only play the right music. He also said the floor was sticky, making it hard for him to slide around. I wanted to show him off. We all did. They'd push him out on the floor amongst the circles of people and I'd tell him to "fuckin' show 'em!" But Bam knows when he can dance and when he can't. He held up his hand like a dad telling his kids to settle the fuck down. He danced for a little bit, enough for me to be impressed, and then we left for Jordan's house. We left for Jordan's house to go soak.
        I gotta get used to saying "No" when people ask me if I have a boyfriend. The whole story is so damn long-winded, I'd rather say I'm not with Jon anymore than explain how I "have a boyfriend but we don't see each other anymore, he's got a lot of priorities and doesn't really have time for me..." blah, fuckin blah blah blah. Who wants to hear the sob story. Besides, people have pity on me and I have to admit it really sucks. Meanwhile Bam always happens to be sitting right next to me when someone asks me about my boyfriend. He's been next to me more than anyone else has this month, including my boyfriend! Next time it comes up, I won't say I'm single. I'll just point to my right. And Bam will look up with those question mark eyebrows and give 'em that little smile.

February 17, 2001 Bam meets broomstick boys...

Bam and I had coffee after he got out of work tonight. The ICP show was sold out, which sucks, but that's 20 dollars I still get to have in my pocket. Kings wouldn't have gone anyway, he was gonna go to some other concert with Ed "ohmygod" de los Reyes. I don't know what happened with that, but I called Kings when me and Bam were at Starbucks and he and all the guys were at TGI's across the street. We met up with them and Bam got to meet the majority of my "broomstick boys": Nick the Dick was succesfully drunk by the time we arrived which made for good entertainment, Daman loudly farted at least three times, Kings told his stories about the bowling alley brawl and getting lost in the desert, and we didn't leave before Anthony mentioned something about his nuts at least once. Gaebo wasn't there though, which makes about three people Bam have yet to meet, along with Tom and Ryan. There was a point when those damn Dance Troupe chicks were there and time totally staggered in between their annoying squeals. For some reason though, I don't mind Katie all that much. Jesus. Oh yeah, Jared "No Class Jr. Bass" was also there, but I could give a fuck. Lauren, Jared's current victim and the "fat chick" (as Nick called her) was freaking out over him and had called him like 18 times. I wish I could tell her that he's just using her and that she'll be nothing to him in about three days. He's the only true asshole that was there. Nick may have been obnoxious and called the waitress a jerk but he got everyone drinks and made balloon animals. After that whole thing, we left to go to Richard's house. I got drunk with some more beer and a Fuzzy Navel that I didn't even finish. It hurt to move my arms a little bit and I had bad heartburn. "Flamin Hot Cheetos." Then we all went to El Cotixan, where Gentry called and said he was going to meet us, but he later canceled because he was "too drunk to go." Heh heh. I came home at 3:45. I'll be seeing Bam again on Monday.

February 18, 2001

Got a meanie post on my bulletin board again. It's someone I know, who has it in them, out of all things, to defend Zach. Oy vey. I just had to go back and read my entry about Zach at the top of this page to see what it was that was so mean and disturbing that a person would actually be motivated to write me and tell me I'm artificial and immature. Tough shitties! I'm telling the truth! The guy's weird! Zach would probably appreciate that. You chill, anonymous shit-talker. I think I'm gonna have to put up that little disclaimer about how The Gypsy Box isn't supposed to be taken all that seriously. I like how people can't just have a sense of humor, they have to pick apart everything on the website and compare it to how well it matches me in person. That's so cool. I almost can't handle how cool that is. So I am a bit blunt saying that Zach is a dork, yeah, that's a bit harsh, sure sure sure. But I haven't taken that out, have I? I don't take anything back. I think people that are criticizing what's on my website need to, you know, chill out and have a cigarette or call me up and have some coffee instead of sit there and get angry at their computer. Weird.